How much it hurts

No-one knows how much it hirts to be the black sheep in every circle of friends they have.  Always the fat one, the last one to be picked, too shy, too ugly.  I wish beyond my heart of heart that so many things would change. 

Firstly.. and most importantly... my goal weight... My goal weight would be 7.5 stone.  I know my parents would know something was wrong if I reached that weight, so 8 stone is a beter bet.  I just want to be slim, able to do things, be who i wasnt without people looking as if to say 'Fuck, she's big'.

If I'm honest

If I'm honest, I would have never have chosen half of you as friends.  Some are self centred, wishing to be someone they're not.  Some are always sending mexed messages; one minute they're fine, the next they're having the world's biggest sulks.  Some are just liars, which can be seen from a mile off.  Basically, I wish I didn't know you.  I hate liars with a passion, yet some people seem to just do it subconsciously, without being able to see how much it hurts.  Well, if I'm honest, your lies are beginning to take their toll.  I don't think I can take it anymore.  And another one of you, always sending me mixed messages.  One minute we will be having a good conversation, the next you're with the 'others' and you're a completely different persom.  I become invisible, and you act as if I'm not there.  I don't think I can call you a friend anymore, because I don't feel I can confide in you about anything.  You have changed, and it isn't for the better.  I wish I was more confident, and able to stand up to you, but again, I can't. 

And as for my parents... the sooner I move out, the better.  I seriously can't cope anymore.  I think I need help, but I don't know who from, or how.  All I want is a shoulder to cry on, and a person to love me for who I am.  And by that I mean love, not when people say oh, but I love you.  What does that mean? It means that when they're nice, it's great, but as soon as the mood changes it's like everyone just says; 'who's Zoe?'

This is so true right now

Mark? Why? I don't know :'(

How can I? It would lead to public humiliation :'(

Few days

In case you hadn't guessed, over the past few days Ihave posted a number of pictures.  I have done this for a reason.  It is to put across all of my true feelings.  As many know, I don't do words.  So this way I can describe everything in so much more detail.  I hope you all understand that although most of this is aimed at people, I am not revealing names unless asked, as I don't feel it right to name people on a public site.

This one reminds me of several people...

Numbers:
                  1, 3, 4, 6, 7, 10
All so true for that one person.  Not that anyome would truly know because it is all seen as a joke :'(

Why am I feeling like this?

What I am feeling is so wrong right now.  I am only 16, but I still feel this way.  I see them everywhere, and can't help thinking what life for me would be like if I had one.  I see people carrying them inside, and think to myself, that could be me.  But I know that it's wrong, and I shouldn't even be thinking about it at this age.  Although, I feel ready, and I have felt that way for a long time.  It's not good, but I can't help it.  Ohhhh I'm such a muddle :(

I think I can now safely say that I hate you.  You have ruined me, and you don't care.  I stick up for myself, but you tell me not to be so childish.  I tell you you're wrong, and you tell me to respect you or there will be consequences.  So when I decide to be quiet, you repeat the statement again and again until I shout.  You don't care when I achieve anything, it's a well done 'now where can I pick an argument with you'?  Believe it or not, I get tired of being put down all the time. It is affecting me all the time now, even with the people I really love; even more than you, and more than they know.  Although that's not hard really.  I actually feel nothing for you.  I have tried to love you, or even just like you, but I can't.  Something is stopping me, and I'm glad about that.  I'm becoming more and more sensitive to situations, and more and more I've wanted a knife to end it.  Life would be so much better then.  You wouldn't have to hate me, and I wouldn't have to site here and die on the inside.  Instead, you can focus on your golden boy.  That's all you do anyway.  RIght in front of me you give him money, and say 'well you're not getting any, you don't need it'.  Hello? I go to college in a few months! Not that you'd care though because I'm not the important one.  Nor my OCD.  The fact that I can't actually control it.  But that doesn't matter, because you don't see that.  All you see is a pathetic, fat, lonely lie that doesn't deserve anythign more than being constantly shouted at.  Well. I have made my decision.  You are not having anythign to do with me when I move out.  YOu're just like your parents.  Don't give 2 shits about the eldest child, because the eldest one is so precious.  So, don't expect to be invited to any weddings, or to see any grandchildren you may have.  You don't deserve to.  Just you keep putting on a show so that you can fool everyone.  Well, I know its a fake, and I'll now be dead before my time, all down to you.  I hope you're bloody happy.

My Boy xx

This is Zeus...
He understands everything about me, or so I like to think.
We have such a strong bond, its unbreakable
You have such a calm and dosile character, no-one would believe you were once dangerous
I love your kisses I get everytime you see me and come over to the fence to give me one
You stand patiently while I fuss over you, and sometimes even try to help by taking the brushes!
You just stand there while I sit on you, no saddle, no bridle


3 words, 1 meaning... I Love You <3

What am I?

I feel like in the last few months, I have changed so much; and not all in a good way.  I have successfully lost some weight, which was good, but it wasn't enough.  I have also found my true friends, and realised how much they mean to me.  And that there are people I would have never thought I could talk to, that I have opened up to,and told everything. 

Right now, I'm feeling pretty alone though; exams coming up, revision to do, prom, leavers assembly, college... ARGH! :S I'm so nervous, and my mind is all over the place!

So many feelings, so little time

There is so much happening at the moment, I don't know what I am feeling or doing really.  I can't concernatrate long enough to do a substantial amount of revision, and everything I do revise is going in one side and out the other.  Prom is another big problem at the moment.  It was the final decision made to cancel the horse and cart me and Jill had spent so long planning for, and now has come a hefty cancellation fee.  More than I feel I should pay, but nevermind.  Also is a close friend of mine, believed to be suffering anorexia/ bulimia.  She is like a lost soul, locked up, and not able to get out.  There is such an obvious barrier stopping anyone from getting through to her, which is why so many of her friends are now giving up on her.  All I want to do is take her somewhere peaceful and talk to her, and find out what is behind it all, to try and help, but mostly to help her through it.  Because at least with some insight, you know where you stand, and where the situation is at.  I don't want to lose her, but at the same time, I don't want to seem like I am forcing her to open up.  I just wish there was something I could do, because if it carries on the way it does, it is not going to be long, before our friendship becomes very strained and distant, and I don't want that to happen :(

One of those things

Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has one, and they are all different...

Why Not? Becky did it!! :)

• 1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? -No
• 2. You talked to an ex today, correct? -No
• 3. Have you taken someones virginity? -No
• 4. Is trust a big issue for you?- Yes, more than most people realise
• 5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? -I wish there was someone
• 6. What are you excited for? - Getting to see Zeus at the weekends. It's my only motivation at the moment
• 7. What happened tonight? - Not a lot, saw someone very important to me. She just doesnt know it
• 8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? - It's disgusting when anyone does to be honest
• 9. Is confidence cute? - No, mostly it's a pain in the arse
• 10. What is the last beverage you had? -Water (surprise surprise) 
• 11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? - Half of one. 
• 12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? -Yes
• 13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? - Probably stay in and do revision
• 14. What are you going to spend money on next? - Bound to be something for Zeus
• 15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? - No. The last thing Ikissed was Zeus <3
• 16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? - Yes, in many ways
• 17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? - Adults. I find it so hard to say what I need to with friends 
• 18. The last time you felt broke - Today 
• 19. Have you had sex today? - No
• 20. Are you starting to realize anything? - Yes, more than I planned 
• 21. Are you in a good mood? - No, not really
• 22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? - No
• 23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? - No
• 24. What do you want right this second? - Confidence, Friends, Love, Life 
• 25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl? - Fuck off out of my life
• 26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? - Almost
• 27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? - Yes, its whats on the inside that counts
• 28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? - Talking to one of the most important people in my life right now
• 29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? - Yes, I wish I didn't, but I do
• 30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? - No
• 31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? - No
• 32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? - No
• 33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? - Most of the time. I love water
• 34. Listening to? - Macy Gray, I try
• 35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? - sometimes
• 36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? - No
• 37. Do you believe in love at first sight? - No
• 38. Who did you last call? - Kim, and that was in January! 
• 39. Who was the last person you danced with? - Not a clue...
• 40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? - I hate kissing. So no reason 
• 41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? - Xmas?
• 42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? - No
• 43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? - No
• 44. Do you tan in the nude? - Can't say I do
• 45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? - Probably 
• 46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? -Yes
• 47. Who was the last person to call you? - Jess
• 48. Do you sing in the shower? - Yes, although it is appauling 
• 49. Do you dance in the car? - Not really
• 50. Ever used a bow and arrow? - Yes
• 51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? - Year 7
• 52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? - No
• 53. Is Christmas stressful? - Yes, I worry way too much about buying presents, and pleasing everyone
• 54. Ever eat a pierogi? - No, what is it?
• 55. Favorite type of fruit pie? - apple 
• 56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? - Teacher, astronaut 
• 57. Do you believe in ghosts? - Yes
• 58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? - All the time.
• 59. Take a vitamin daily? - No
• 60. Wear slippers? - Sometimes
• 61. Wear a bath robe? - No
• 62. What do you wear to bed? - PJ bottoms and a vest top
• 63. First concert? - Eliza Doolittle
• 64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? - Morrisons?
• 65. Nike or Adidas? - Nike
• 66. Cheetos Or Fritos? - Neither
• 67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? - Neither
• 68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? - Our Song
• 69. Ever take dance lessons? - Used to all the time
• 70. Is there a profession you picture your sibling(s) doing? - Getting killed in the Army 
• 71. Can you curl your tongue? - Yes 
• 72. Ever won a spelling bee? - What is it?
• 73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? - Yes, wish I did more often 
• 74. What is your favorite book? - Endal
• 75. Do you study better with or without music? -With
• 76. Regularly burn incense? - No
• 77. Ever been in love? - Not properly
• 78. Who would you like to see in concert? - Many people. Lionel Richie being one of them
• 79. What was the last concert you saw? - Eliza Doolittle
• 80. Hot tea or cold tea? -Hot
• 81. Tea or coffee? -Tea
• 82. Favorite type of cookie? - I haven't a clue
• 83. Can you swim well? - Fairly
• 84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? - Yes
• 85. Are you patient? - Yes, most of the time
• 86. DJ or band, at a wedding? - DJ
• 87. Ever won a contest? - Yes
• 88. Ever have plastic surgery? - No
• 89. Which are better black or green olives? - I don’t like olives
• 90. Opinions on sex before marriage? - Who cares?
• 91. Best room for a fireplace? - Lounge
• 92. Do you want to get married? - Yes.

In a nutshell

I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receeding further and further into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic memory. I am the girl you see in the photograph from 'some' party 'someplace' or 'some' picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...

Why?

Every Time My Phone Lights Up... I Still Wish It Is "You"...
I Can’t Even Explain How Painful It Is To Wait For Something
'That Will Never Come'... My heart aches, and it shouldn't because this is not how I should feel about you

R.I.P my beautiful girl xxx

Dutsy died this morning.  We got the chikens up, and she was barely alive. I picked her up and hugged her, then she started fitting.  She then no longer had a heart beat.  I felt so guilty for not being able to pick her up, cradle her and tell her she would be ok.  I couldn't do that, I dodn't even know what was wrong with her.  RIP Dusty xxxxxxxx

What Next?

I would love to carry on helping you, but what more can I do.  You have a severe problem only people close to you can deal with alongside you, but you have a barrier and don't let them in.  I can't stand here ready to help you anymore.  I have been there so much, but you just don't care.  So long as you are empty and self-controlled, nothing else matters.  I wish I could be a better person and stay strong for you, but there is no point.  You don't care, so long as you're OK, it doesn't matter that everyone ielse is hurting so much.  Hope you have a good future, as I clearly won't be spending it with you.

:')

- It's so easy to talk to you about things. I would like to call you a friend. I don't care that I can't talk to you in person very well. It's just a shame I will eventually say something wrong and you will hate me, just like everyone else.

- Love those conversations, where at the end you can sit there and think 'this person actually understands me' :) xx

Where does time go?

So, I am now indefinately going to prom.  Great.  A fat elephant going in a fat dress, with a skinny person to prom.  Yay.  I just don't feel ready to admit that my school years are over, and I must move on into the 'real world'.  No more teachers to help you every step of the way, just a tutor that has 29 other people to look after and deal with.  College seems a very daunting place.  Over 2,000 new faces, all wanting to do the best they can for themselves, without sparing a second thought for others that may be struggling with the aspect of social interaction with new people.  It's very unpredictable.  A whole new crowd; where I must pick one.  The rigth crowd or the wrong crowd? I know which one I would want to be in, however this cannot always be possible considering the economic changes, as well as personal circumstances people experience.  All I'd like is a close group of 4 or 5 friends who I know will be there for me no matter what I decide to do in life, and will be there for a shoulder to cry on when everything goes wrong.  Then, after college is the new aspect of Uni, then into the world of work, marriage and children, growing up, growing old. 

Well...

Are you blind, dumb or just plain stupid?? If you cannot tell that I am trying to convey a point using these blogs, then I don' know what will make this more obvious.  I am not going to 'tag' you because I feel that to be immature, and humiliating.  So therefore, I can no longer help ou the way I have been trying to.  Sorry.

Why?

You don't understand how much we care.  We all try so hard to help you, but it has now got to the point that we don't want to help and support you anymore.  This could possibly be because every time you ask for help, people give you advice and support to help you step in the right direction, but no sooner had we given it to you, had you thrown it back in our face.  Hardly surprising that we are all slowly giving up on you, and starting to dislike your attitude towards things.  Eventually you will have no one left, and you will wonder 'Where did it all go wrong for me?' Really, the answer is simple; you want to get help from people,but when they give it to you, you don't care, or at least it seems that way.  Maybe you need to think that what you are doing to your friends, because very soon there will be no one left.  Your desire to be different is starting to go too far, and I am at my wits end.  I want to help you with all my heart, but what more can I do? Watch you hurt yourself more and more.  Dying because you want to be 'normal?'  What is normal? I feel that you need to realise what you are doing to yourself, and need to take some serious action against it, before we will all be stood around your coffin.  So, my friend, do one thing for me.  When I give you advice, please just listen to me.  It might make you the person you used to be.

Weight or Wait?

Recently, I have decided that I need to get rid of my fat.  But should I get rid of the WEIGHT now, or WAIT until after prom?  This is where the difficulty comes in... I have lost 13lbs so far this Easter, but my prom dress is now starting to sag a little.  Do I keep losing weight and get the dress taken in, and risk thedress not looking as good, or stay as I am feeling like an overweight elephant all through prom? argh! What to do?!  I just want to look like everyone else; skinny, toned but with slightly defined muscles!!! :'(

A place to begin...

Well, what a roller coaster 2012 has been so far!! So may highs and lows, it is unreal!  People coming and going, animals as well. 

There has also been one person in particular, that I have had a lot of highs and lows with.  Recently more lows I have to admit, but there really is nothing more I can do.  I have helped, supported, even trid to guide, but nothing works.  It is a mess, but they are too vulnerable to notice me.  It's always the same.  The less dominant people get pushed away by you, only your too engrossed in sorting out your friendship with them to realise that I've slipped through your fingers and away into thin air.  I plaster on a smile, but that isn't going to be good enough. 

Maybe one day you'll notice what you have lost.